Not That Bad

Happy New Year!

My first resolution for 2013 (yes, you read that right – 2013 – assuming that whole nasty Mayan prediction thing doesn’t pan out) is to decide on my new year’s resolutions before the new year gets here.

I like resolutions.  I never succeed with them.  Break most of them before I’m in the habit of writing the new year.  (I’ll have to tell myself a bazillion times, “Write 2012.  Write 2012.  Write 2012.”)  Occasionally I stick with one and am successful or come close.  (I was closer in 2011 than in 2010 to read an average of a book per week.)  I really hate sweating in cold January weather, but I still like resolutions because they keep me from getting reality TV bad.

I would love the opportunity to get whipped into shape “Biggest Loser” style, but my weight’s not that bad.  My home could stand to be decluttered, but I don’t need a “Hoarders” intervention because my house is not that bad.  While I’ve never watched any of the “Real Housewives of (fill in the blank),” it’s safe to say my level of craziness is not that bad.  And I imagine all those fashion shows would have a field day with my daily uniform of workout clothes (which occasionally see a workout), but I clean up pretty good when the need arises, so I’m not that bad.  They need a reality show for people like me called…(wait for it)…”Not That Bad.”

Imagine the premise.  Our sucker-of-the-week is in the grocery store trying to figure out if she should try that complex recipe on the box of pasta.  (You know, the one with fifty ingredients?)  She’s got at least one picky eater in the house and decides, “Screw it!  I’ll just grab some chicken, dump a can of Cream of Whatever soup on it, and call it dinner.  After all, it’s not that bad.”  At this point, some C-list celebrity (C-list naturally, because their acting career is not that bad) pops out from the cereal aisle and scares the bejeezus out of this poor, ponytailed woman in sweatpants.  It’s like our celeb transports instantly anywhere someone thinks that little catchphrase.  At this point our victim is whisked away for a bootcamp’s worth of exercise, cooking lessons, house-financial-fashion makeovers and whatnot.  It’s like The Biggest Loser, What Not To Wear, Clean House, Hoarders, Iron Chef and all that rolled into one for those of us folks who are not that bad.  After a lovely montage in which we see our victim’s life, home, and family transformed (or at least as transformed as can happen in a week), she comes out and asks the studio audience, “Well?” to which their canned, yet enthusiastic, response is…(you know it’s coming)…”NOT THAT BAD!”

The problem for a show like that?  The ratings.  We’re talking the victims are normal people.  (Not normal as defined by reality TV because those people are anything but normal.)  The drama would be minimal and so the ratings would suck.  Really, really bad.  After all, do you want to watch your neighbor Bob clean out the garage?  See Wanda on her treadmill?  Cringe as Mary burns the souffle again?  And what normal people fix souffles anyhow?

I have areas of my life which need improvement but I don’t need to be featured on a reality show to kick my butt into gear.  My hope for 2012 is the same as it was for 2011 and all the years before.  I hope I can look back and say, “You know, last year was pretty good.  In fact, it was NOT THAT BAD!”  (Studio audience members not required.)