I’m Not Joking

By Jeff Salter

At 4F1H this week, we’re all about humor.  Some of the Foxes have noted practical jokes (such as you might experience on Apr. 1st) … but the alternate topic was favorite jokes.  So that’s the direction I’ll take.

I simply can’t tell jokes.  Ask anybody who knows me.  I forget components, state the details in the wrong order, or forget the punchline … or start laughing and can’t finish.

But what I CAN do is copy & paste.

Wikipedia
            According to Wikipedia, these are the top three funniest (clean) jokes (and all have been posted widely on Facebook):

1. The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan, was submitted by Gurpal Gosal of Manchester:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
            The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
            There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?” 

2. The second place finisher and early leader was this joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa of Blackpool:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.”
           Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
            Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”
            Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
            And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

3. While this was the top joke in the UK:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
            The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
            The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Elsewhere
            I found this one elsewhere:

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
            Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
            Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
            “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”
            “It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”

Top 50 Jokes Of All Time
[I just picked half a dozen that I liked.]

*** A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

*** There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?”

*** I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

*** I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”.
He said, ”Not you again!”

*** Slept like a log last night… Woke up in the fireplace.

*** A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”

*** I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Jimmy’s Favorite:
            Here’s a 1984 clip in which the beloved actor, Jimmy Stewart, tells his favorite joke:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IiICcSH8iY

Question:
            So which one, here, do you like best?
What’s your favorite joke which is NOT shown here?

About Jeff Salter

Currently writing romantic comedy, screwball comedy, and romantic suspense. Fourteen completed novels and four completed novellas. Working with three royalty publishers: Clean Reads, Dingbat Publishing, & TouchPoint Press/Romance. "Cowboy Out of Time" -- Apr. 2019 /// "Double Down Trouble" -- June 2018 /// "Not Easy Being Android" -- Feb. 2018 /// "Size Matters" -- Oct. 2016 /// "The Duchess of Earl" -- Jul. 2016 /// "Stuck on Cloud Eight" -- Nov. 2015 /// "Pleased to Meet Me" (novella) -- Oct. 2015 /// "One Simple Favor" (novella) -- May 2015 /// "The Ghostess & MISTER Muir" -- Oct. 2014 /// "Scratching the Seven-Month Itch" -- Sept. 2014 /// "Hid Wounded Reb" -- Aug. 2014 /// "Don't Bet On It" (novella) -- April 2014 /// "Curing the Uncommon Man-Cold -- Dec. 2013 /// "Echo Taps" (novella) -- June 2013 /// "Called To Arms Again" -- (a tribute to the greatest generation) -- May 2013 /// "Rescued By That New Guy in Town" -- Oct. 2012 /// "The Overnighter's Secrets" -- May 2012 /// Co-authored two non-fiction books about librarianship (with a royalty publisher), a chapter in another book, and an article in a specialty encyclopedia. Plus several library-related articles and reviews. Also published some 120 poems, about 150 bylined newspaper articles, and some 100 bylined photos. Worked about 30 years in librarianship. Formerly newspaper editor and photo-journalist. Decorated veteran of U.S. Air Force (including a remote ‘tour’ of duty in the Arctic … at Thule AB in N.W. Greenland). Married; father of two; grandfather of six.
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14 Responses to I’m Not Joking

  1. These are good, Jeff. I heard a worse ending to the one about the hunter being shot.His friend drove him into the first town he came to and the doctor there said,”I could have saved him if you hadn’t field-dressed him”.
    I can tell a joke, but neither of my parents could.They could tell stories well, but my father would add things that were wrong, (once he referred to a beatnik guy as a “chick”), and laugh through it, my mother would forget half the elements or blow the punchline. One that has lived well past her is the time that one of my father’s brothers, who had just moved from our area, called her. He was her favorite brothers-in-law, but as was often the case, he was inebriated.My uncle said,”Hey, ya wanna hear a couple of ring-a-dings? Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding!” He was so drunk, he thought it was funny and that alone made it funnier.My mother, who laughed despite herself but was truly appalled that he was so intoxicated and spent considerable money (at the time) in long-distance charges just for that, tried to tell her sister what he had done.”So he says,’Do you want to hear a couple of ring-a-dings? Ding-dong, ding-dong”. My brother just told a cousin this story, 50 years later.
    [Jeff, you forgot to mention Texas]

    Like

    • jeff7salter says:

      Oops … “Texas”. Ha
      The way your folks told jokes is pretty much how I do it.
      Thanks for sharing, Tonette.

      Like

  2. Chris Bailey says:

    Jeff, those really are funny! I hadn’t heard any of them. I can’t tell jokes, either. I don’t have the patience for a good set-up. But in the spirit of keeping the laughs going, here’s a cut-and-paste an engineer friend passed along: Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
    A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

    Like

    • jeff7salter says:

      Glad you enjoyed them, Chris. I think my fav. was the Jimmy Stewart clip. Couldn’t tell where he was going even though, in hindsight, it was a familiar tale.
      Good engineer joke. Some pepole would use that for computer geeks also.

      Like

  3. jbrayweber says:

    Great post, Jeff.
    I’ve no jokes I can repeat here (no surprise, there). But I have a favorite humorist that brings me to tears with his funny tales. If you ever feel up for a laugh, check out one of Patrick McManus’s books. I don’t know about his latest series, but his earlier collections are my favs.

    http://www.amazon.com/Patrick-F.-McManus/e/B000APEH9A/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_2?qid=1365108379&sr=1-2

    Jenn!

    Like

  4. I read these this early today while my hubby was watching the morning news. I think he got irritated that I kept bursting into laughter. I read them again while he was watching the evening news. They’re still funny enough to make me laugh out loud! And laughter, as Readers’ Digest always said, is the best medicine. Keep the jokes coming, and I’ll be rid of this cold in no time!

    Like

  5. I love the Sherlock Holmes one! It’s perfect!! As to the fireplace one, my cat would love it. He likes to stroll around in there when there’s no fire.

    Like

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