Survival Strategies during Alien Invasions

We don’t have a leader, but you can talk to me… unless that’s a ray gun in your pocket

By Jeff Salter

This week’s question: If I saw aliens land nearby, would I interact?
The old cliché is that the alien ship lands, the team captain strides out and says, “Take me to your leader.” Presumably he has important inter-galactic business to discuss.
Well, these days, the LAST place I’d take an alien delegate … would be any office in Washington D.C. The way things are going now, hardly ANY of those folks are what I’d consider leaders. At least not effective ones.
So what would I do if aliens landed nearby?
Well, there are two basic scenarios.

Good News
I’d like to think the reason for their visit is peaceful curiosity … with the intention of cultural exchanges and maybe some technology transfers.
For me, the scene which has best captured that approach is when those sweet tiny beings swarm out of the mother ship near the end of “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” and gently escort Richard Dreyfuss up the ramp. We have to believe he will be treated well.
Well, unfortunately, this ‘good news’ scenario is less than ONE per cent of the situations I’m acquainted with.

Bad News
A far greater probability – around 99% … based on all the sci-fi movies I’ve seen – is that aliens are here for nefarious purposes. Usually it’s domination of the earth’s people and/or resources, sometimes out-and-out annihilation of earthlings, and often brutal experimentation.
In most of those cases, the aliens make no pretext of “conversation” — they show up with their ray guns blazing.
The conclusion I’ve noted with relative certainty: if the ships hover for days and you don’t receive any peaceful contact… it’s definitely a war party. So you’d better flee.

Where do you hide?
It’s clear from the movies that aliens can easily find you in your house, vehicle, nearly any building, and usually in the woods. [Note: if you have an isolated cabin in the woods, they can find you about three times faster than if you lived in a suburban tract.]
But it appears reasonably safe if you’re on the water … or under the water. Not sure why aliens don’t seem to like liquid – except for those who emerge from undersea alien bases – but I think you’ve got a much better chance of survival under water.
Mountains seem to be a pretty good escape destination, too. Earthlings have a tendency to climb UP to get away from bad stuff, even if those evil elements come from the skies. Maybe aliens don’t like climbing or perhaps the craggy peaks interfere with their vision / communication / guidance systems. But I think you’re much safer among mountains than on basically flat land.
If you’re stuck in a city when the BAD aliens arrive, you’re slightly better off in a small town than in large city. You see, the aliens already know all the big cities by heart — all their invasion schools train with large earthly metropolitan cities and concentrated population groups. You’re much better off in small towns that the aliens have never heard of. For one thing — fewer street lights and high-rise buildings. Heck, if you have a secluded storm shelter in a very small town, you might escape the aliens’ attention altogether!

Caveats
In most cases, aliens can read your thoughts, so whatever your survival plan, please do NOT “think” about it a lot. Just make a quick plan with whoever you’re trying to escape with … and then have all parties start thinking of something else. Anything else. One of the best ways to block aliens from reading your actual thoughts is to mentally recite unrelated things like your shopping list. Advertising jingles also drive them nuts. If you can’t remember any of those, just mentally sing a few theme songs from TV shows. Gilligan’s Island always throws them off.
Oh, I guess I should mention this — though it won’t do any good, judging from all the movies I’ve seen. Guns and bullets do NOT do anything against alien craft or their occupants, except tick them off. [Rocket launchers are pretty effective, however.] Oddly enough, even though you can’t hurt an alien by shooting it, you can really mess them up with a knife! Yep — cut an alien and it bleeds. But it’s not the red stuff we have in our veins. It’s usually clear, milky, or even green… and it smells awful.

If you’re captured by aliens
You’ll have a lot of worries if they capture you, but one of the biggies is to decline ANY invitation to tour one of their laboratories. Yeah, that’s where they conduct their medical experiments… and you don’t want to go there.
Don’t bother to request a visit from the American Embassy either, because the only alien cultures holding a reciprocal agreement with our government is that group working in the below-ground research labs at Area 51.
My advice is to negotiate. Tell them you know a LOT about old movies and TV shows – or comic books, whatever – and that you’d love to cooperate with their cultural historians on a series of documentaries about Earth. That should keep them busy for a few months — and while they relax their guard, you can possibly locate the escape pod.
If they offer to set you up with an alien girlfriend / boyfriend, just tell them you don’t date. Nothing good can come from this avenue and it’s guaranteed NOT to be any kind of, um, “interaction” that you’d expect from a fellow human.
Most of their meals will not be recognizable to you, so you should begin your incarceration by requesting only ordinary water … provided they have any. If I tell you that aliens eat mainly goo, paste, and things that look like brussels sprouts, that should give you an idea. Proceed with caution.

Question:
What would YOU do if aliens landed nearby? Run? Or Mingle?

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About Jeff Salter

Currently writing romantic comedy, screwball comedy, and romantic suspense. Fourteen completed novels and four completed novellas. Working with three royalty publishers: Clean Reads, Dingbat Publishing, & TouchPoint Press/Romance. "Cowboy Out of Time" -- Apr. 2019 /// "Double Down Trouble" -- June 2018 /// "Not Easy Being Android" -- Feb. 2018 /// "Size Matters" -- Oct. 2016 /// "The Duchess of Earl" -- Jul. 2016 /// "Stuck on Cloud Eight" -- Nov. 2015 /// "Pleased to Meet Me" (novella) -- Oct. 2015 /// "One Simple Favor" (novella) -- May 2015 /// "The Ghostess & MISTER Muir" -- Oct. 2014 /// "Scratching the Seven-Month Itch" -- Sept. 2014 /// "Hid Wounded Reb" -- Aug. 2014 /// "Don't Bet On It" (novella) -- April 2014 /// "Curing the Uncommon Man-Cold -- Dec. 2013 /// "Echo Taps" (novella) -- June 2013 /// "Called To Arms Again" -- (a tribute to the greatest generation) -- May 2013 /// "Rescued By That New Guy in Town" -- Oct. 2012 /// "The Overnighter's Secrets" -- May 2012 /// Co-authored two non-fiction books about librarianship (with a royalty publisher), a chapter in another book, and an article in a specialty encyclopedia. Plus several library-related articles and reviews. Also published some 120 poems, about 150 bylined newspaper articles, and some 100 bylined photos. Worked about 30 years in librarianship. Formerly newspaper editor and photo-journalist. Decorated veteran of U.S. Air Force (including a remote ‘tour’ of duty in the Arctic … at Thule AB in N.W. Greenland). Married; father of two; grandfather of six.
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19 Responses to Survival Strategies during Alien Invasions

  1. I see you have given a great deal of thought about this,Jeff.Should any of the interplanetary visitors turn out to be intergalactic supremacists bent on only allowing their species in ruling positions, you seem to have us covered.
    I have one on-going problem with the whole “Earthling” moniker, though.I mean, that’s kind of setting ourselves up to be bullied,don’t you think? Rather like sneering at the tough guys on the playground and then calling yourself “Brucie”. And, spelling it with a lower-case ‘e’ shows a distinct lack of self-confidence,I have to add. We really need to do better.
    I give you credit for spelling Earth with a capital ‘E’. It really upsets me when I see it otherwise.It shows a real lack of pride in our planet; most people simply don’t think. With a small ‘e’, it’s dirt/soil; capitalized, it’s our pretty little sphere.
    How I feel is set and ready to go for tomorrow. What I will say is that you have possibly over-thought this…must be all the zombie business that has you prepared.

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  2. jbrayweber says:

    If it’s coming from outer space, I’d like to think they are looking for peaceful interactions. Perhaps a coexistence, as well. But knowing our worldly governments like I do, they’d probably first the first shot and really tick off our alien friends. And in that case, it’s all about preservation of my life and those I love. Run and hide. Lots of islands in the Caribbean to hide on. 😀

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    • jeff7salter says:

      Right you are, Jenn. Plus those islands are surrounded by water and the aliens don’t seem to like the Earthly water…

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  3. LOL!!! Great rules and ideas! I have already admitted that I would be in the first wave of deaths! 🙂 I so totally would not survive!

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  4. Shea Ford says:

    I’d like to think that the aliens would be here for the same reasons I would want to visit their planet. But likely, it would be a Pandora thing and though I’d have good intentions, the rest of my race would look to exploit it. I’d hide until I found a few sympathetic aliens to help me lead a rebellion. 😉

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  5. Iris B says:

    Goodness gracious, Jeff, you’ve put a lot of thought (and may I say a bit of resentment against your “leaders”) into this post. I mean the possibilities of where to hide and where to go …. All that from movies? Or was that thorough research ? 😉 Are there any inklings if I’d be better of on a certain continent? Like, (cynic as I am) the chance for aliens to come to the US are higher than lets say in Australia?

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    • jeff7salter says:

      Glad you mentioned continents, Iris. Because I believe we’d all be much safer from aliens in the Outback … than we’d be here in the CONUS.
      Got room for a few visitors?

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    • pjharjo says:

      Oh My Goodness, Jeff! Your take on an alien invasion is Hilarious!! As far as your take on Zombie’s being slow, in your response to Tonette. In the Zombie attacks I’ve seen, the Zombies have moved rather quickly when on the attack. just sayin…

      And jbrayweber, is your response of “Run and hide,” the same as duck and cover?

      Tonette – I kinda agree with you about going out to “stand on the porch.” I’ve often felt that way about natural disasters, or the Apocalypse, for that matter. Why store food and make a secure place to survive in, in the event of that scenario? What would there be left to live for?

      Yeah, Jeff, I’d no doubt switch to “survival mode,” too. But it would not be planned. I would just do what needed to be done at the moment, kinda like a momma bear.

      I like your take on it, Shea!

      And Iris! Definitely you’re in the “safe zone”! You’re surrounded by water, and you know what Jeff said about Aliens and water. LOL! Got room for the rest of us???

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