This Cat Has Poop Loops

Or… how not to wash a cat’s butt

By Jeff Salter

Alley Cat Flashback (from Nov. 2002)

My wife brought home that raggedy alley cat again this weekend.  It keeps drinking from my water glass, tried last night to eat my vitamins, climbs on top of the keyboard and monitor, clinks dishes in the middle of the night, opens and slams the cabinet doors, and now BITES our hands, wrists, and ankles!

Well, last evening King Sipper reached new depths of gato gross-out:  immediately after departing the litter box (and with that aroma freshly pungent throughout the house), Sipper raced over to the couch and landed in my lap.

The penetrating stench of cat feces was exponentially greater than the stink in the room in general, so I figured Sip had tracked some in on his paws.  I couldn’t see the bottoms of his feet, but he was twirling or twisting or otherwise gyrating, so I got a thorough view of his rear end.  Draped from his butt’s, um, center – and from his upper hindquarters – was what resembled bubble gum or silly string … in LOOPS no less!

At first I figured the smell and the ‘loops’ could not possibly be related (you now, maybe he ran through some really sturdy cobwebs or something).  WRONG!  The loops WERE the smell!  That cat had ‘SH*T STRINGS’ of poop … which had somehow clung to his butt-fur!  He started shaking his hind legs, trying to fling off the loops of poop!  And he kept turning around, the better to rub some of it onto the couch … or onto ME!

About this time, I start screeching to Denise, “Come get this cat!  He’s got loops of poop all over his *SS!”  Well, she saunters over, acting like I’m exaggerating.  Finally arriving at the couch, after I’ve tried holding a cat with poop loops at arm’s length for several minutes, Denise realizes my assessment is accurate.

She grabs the cat in one hand and goes to retrieve a ROLL of toilet paper.  Does she tend to the cat in the bathroom?  No … she returns to the couch.  She takes a few ineffectual swipes at Sipper’s butt with several tissue squares, but all that really does is tangle poop loops in her FINGERS!

Finally Denise flees to the bathroom, with the cat in one hand and her other hand stretched out as far away as possible.  So now she’s calling on ME for help!  Do I saunter?  Do I delay?  Well, I want to … but I don’t.  I grab the front end of the pooper cat and Denise starts running water in the lavatory.

So I’m holding Sipper — and Denise keeps testing the temperature of the water.  I’m saying, “Denise, he’s not going to care whether it’s cold or warm … he’s gonna HATE the water — PERIOD!  Just get it over with!”  She ignores me, of course, and gets the temperature just right.  Then she tells me to hold the cat tighter.  Tighter?

cat-bath-9

Remember that old Internet story about giving pills to cats?  Well bathing feline butts is just about as problematic.  Ole Sip squirms and twists and tries to claw out my eyeballs – only slight exaggeration – while Denise soaks and swabs his butt.  Well, take it from me:  cats do NOT like being second-guessed about their rear-end hygiene!  The Sip-meister was majorly twitterpated!

Finally, Denise gets the remnants of the poop loops off Sipper’s butt, then sets about to RINSE him.  Well, rinsing a cat is not a bit easier than washing one.  Sipper evidently had figured the process was complete and was definitely ready to depart.

Well, to make a long story a bit shorter:  Sip got his butt washed, rinsed, and blow-DRIED … all while I frantically clutched the biting and scratching end of the gato machine.

If I went to the E.R. with all these scratches and bites on my hands and wrists, they’d probably have that woman arrested for spouse abuse.  [And they’d never believe we tried to wash, rinse, and dry a cat’s butt in the lavatory — because of poop loops!]  So, she’d need a really good lawyer.  Know any attorneys specializing in cat injuries?  Bueller?  Anyone?

Gotta go change my band-aids.

Question:
Have YOU ever tried to bathe a cat? How’d that work out for ya?

[ JLS # 241 ]

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About jeff7salter

Currently writing romantic comedy, screwball comedy, and romantic suspense. Twelve completed novels and five completed novellas. Working with three royalty publishers: Clean Reads, Dingbat Publishing, & TouchPoint Press/Romance. "Size Matters" -- Oct. 2016 "The Duchess of Earl" -- Jul. 2016 "Stuck on Cloud Eight" -- Nov. 2015, "Pleased to Meet Me" (novella) -- Oct. 2015, "One Simple Favor" (novella) -- May 2015, "The Ghostess & MISTER Muir" -- Oct. 2014, "Scratching the Seven-Month Itch" -- Sept. 2014, "Hid Wounded Reb" -- Aug. 2014, "Don't Bet On It" (novella) -- April 2014, "Curing the Uncommon Man-Cold -- Dec. 2013, "Echo Taps" (novella) -- June 2013, "Called To Arms Again" -- (a tribute to the greatest generation) -- May 2013, "Rescued By That New Guy in Town" -- Oct. 2012, "The Overnighter's Secrets" -- May 2012. Co-authored two non-fiction books about librarianship (with a royalty publisher), a chapter in another book, and an article in a specialty encyclopedia. Plus several library-related articles and reviews. Also published some 120 poems, about 150 bylined newspaper articles, and some 100 bylined photos. Worked about 30 years in librarianship. Formerly newspaper editor and photo-journalist. Decorated veteran of U.S. Air Force (including a remote ‘tour’ of duty in the Arctic … at Thule AB in N.W. Greenland). Married; father of two; grandfather of six.
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12 Responses to This Cat Has Poop Loops

  1. Patricia Kiyono says:

    Ugh. In answer to your question: no, I have never tried to bathe a cat. I have never owned a cat because my brother was allergic to all furry pets, and I now have a daughter who is severely allergic to cats. And the one time I let a cat sit with me, he ate half of my favorite sweater during the course of a television sit-com. So I will leave the cat hygiene to brave souls like you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • jeff7salter says:

      we’d had a cat (briefly) when I was a kindergartner. Then another (briefly) when I was in high school. When our kids were small, we got one in a Halloween sack! Kept that one long enough for her to get preggers and have babies.
      But King Sipper was our first long-lasting pet cat — some dozen years or more now.

      Like

  2. jbrayweber says:

    HAHA! Great story, Jeff. Blowdried, too? Priceless.
    Yes, I’ve bathed cats before. I’ve had cats all my life. SO, it’s inevitable that one might need bathing. I cat-sat for a friend of mine for a few months while she was away many years ago. Both of her cats had very long hair. One had hairball issues coming out both ends. As a result, I had to shave his butt regularly. Imagine how that goes…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Rhonda Koti says:

    A few years ago our tuxedo cat, Gandalf, got into some Cinnamon extract oil by accident. We grabbed him up, put him in the sink and hubby used the sprayer part of the sink to spray into Gandalf’s mouth, and down his body, his face ect… that is the only time Big G did not mind getting sprayed with water.

    It wasn’t long after that -that we learned from the vet how to do the Vulcan Momma pinch on the back of the neck. Renders the cats to just a bag of fur. – they dont like it but they dont scratch us apart either.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Growing up we always had cats. You have to pick them up the way the momma cat would.

    If you get them when they are a kitten you can get them to enjoy baths. My oldest brother’s cat will go to his bath tub and wait for a bath.

    I can’t believe you blow dried him. Have you ever given him a bath since?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am quite adept at bathing cats, Jeff.In fact ,I recently sat on the, umm, poopdeck, as it were , and instructed my grandson on the art while he had one of our cats in the bathtub.
    Of course, some are less uncooperative than others, (I’ve yet to meet a truly cooperative cat!), but this works on all of them:
    Place a bath towel in the tub and the cat, feet-down on it; this keeps their feet from slipping and their claws occupied.
    You hold the cat down FIRMLY at the base of the neck, straight down.Hard; they won’t break. Fill the tub with a few inches of water and have a plastic container to gather and pour rinse water on them, (a large glass will do; A sprayer attachment works even better.) Keep the water running but don’t let the water get very high.
    Have towels on the floor and at least two for drying the cat. I don’t advise using a hair dryer, though.That usually spooks them after the calmness they feel after getting out of the tub.
    Trust me.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Theresa says:

    God stopped sending cats and started sending dogs, but for a while I was a cat person. None of them like being bathed, but as Rhonda said, the Vulcan mama pinch is the one to use. My Pippa Louise was a beautiful white Persian or maybe she was chinchilla, I don’t know. She was a rescue of sorts, but she was gorgeous. I put her in the tub and if I didn’t have a good grip, or if I let go at any time, she would go straight up. No one had told me that apparently cats can levitate! On one other memorable occasion, I was the one bathing and she was sitting in a favorite spot, on the window ledge that was above the bathtub. My guardian angel or my ESP or a 6th sense was active because suddenly I had a sense of impending doom and looked up just in time to see her lose her balance. I put my hands up, and caught her enough to be able to toss her from my hands over the side so that she would land on the floor and not wet and unhappy on ME! We both heaved a huge sigh of relief.

    Liked by 1 person

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