By Jeff Salter
Okay, we’re talking about heat and hate, so I won’t pull any punches: I HATE it. Before I just start listing my reasons, I’ll give you one long example.
I lived some 45 years in high-humidity Louisiana and for 26 of those years I worked in downtown Shreveport, where the summer concrete can fry your eggs for a dozen hours each day. My parking spots varied from 2 to 5 blocks away and by the time I’d dragged myself from my car I was damp all over from sweat and my clothes were sticking to my skin. Then I’d enter the chilled inside climate and my sweat would freeze — everywhere except inside my skivvies. Going home in the late afternoon was worse because the temperature was even hotter than for my morning commute.
My list of reasons to hate heat:
* frozen groceries thaw before you get home
* steering wheel is too hot to touch, much less hold onto
* chocolate candy melts if you leave it in your car for ten seconds
* M&Ms melt inside the BAG … a long time before they reach your hand or mouth
* cats and dogs shed bushels of fur in the summer
* skeeters and chiggers make it their seasonal business to drive me insane
* briars, poison ivy, and fire ants thrive in the heat
* in hot months, you have to mow grass … or pay somebody to do it
* science has no known cure for prickly heat rash
I got help with this list of heat-hating reasons:
Not certain I had enough venom to back up my hatred, I asked my wife (Denise) and daughter (Julie) for other reasons they disliked intense summer heat. Here’s what they came up with:
* chocolate icing melts and runs onto your car seat on the way to the birthday party
* your I-phone gets so slippery with sweat that it scoots out of your hand
* your glasses slip down your sweaty nose
* sweat trickles between your, um, bosoms and tickles … but you can’t effectively deal with it in public
* underarm sweat stains ruin your outfits
* you get butt blisters going down the playground’s metal slide
* no matter how much time you spent on it, your hairdo goes flat as soon as the hot air hits it
* make-up starts melting down your face
* most of your clothing sticks to you
* your bare legs stick to the vinyl car seats when you’re wearing shorts
* ice cream melts faster than you can lick it
* the sweat marks show everything when men or women wear tight, grey Jersey knit exercise garb
* those unusual people at the big-city Wally-World stores wear even LESS clothing in hot weather!
What do YOU dislike about hot weather?