A Blessing or a Burn

When Compliments Go Awry

By Jeff Salter

Topic: Have you ever received a personal compliment (not on your looks or writing), that was unexpected or unusual? Would you compare those to odd, half-baked or “left-handed” compliments?

[Note: as I often do on Hound Day, I’m using the scheduled topic not as an assignment, but merely as a point of departure.]

Let me start with my (subjective) take on the second portion of this topic: back-handed compliments. To me this connotes something which seems – on the surface – to be a genuine compliment, but actually was phrased in a way that significantly dilutes said compliment. This can be intentional – and often is – but may also be purely unintentional.

One of my favorite (true) examples – of the back-handed compliment – was a book salesman who frequented our library. On one of his periodic, unannounced visits, he entered the bookkeeper’s office and said, “Oh, you fixed your hair.” Now, let’s assume he MEANT to say, “Hey, your hair looks nice.” But the WAY he said it – and, incidentally, the way the bookkeeper interpreted it – was, “For a change, you did something with your hair.”

Intentional Burns

Among the INTENTIONAL backhanded compliments are what many of us refer to as a “burn.” Among my favorite creators of the “burn” are Mark Twain and Winston Churchill. These selections – from those two individuals and several others – are not only obviously deliberate, but quite cleverly crafted.

“Once you put it down, you simply can’t pick it up”. ― Mark Twain [referring to a book by Henry James]

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” ― Mark Twain

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” ― Oscar Wilde

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” ― Oscar Wilde

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” ― Groucho Marx

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I’ll waste no time reading it.” ― Moses Hadas

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” — Billy Wilder

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” ― Winston S. Churchill (about Stafford Cripps)

And I love this “burn” exchange between Shaw and Churchill:

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend … if you have one.”
— playwright George Bernard Shaw (to Winston Churchill)

“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.” — Churchill’s response to Shaw

My Own Experiences

Here are two of the back-handed compliments I’ve personally received. Interestingly, each deals with a situation in which I arrived late for an event (through no fault of my own).

1. Author Robin Cook was speaking at a state library conference. Due to Baton Rouge traffic and parking problems, I arrived after Cook had already begun his presentation. The only way into the space was through a door that was directly in Cook’s primary, frontal view. In other words, he saw me enter and watched me hunt for an empty seat near the back of the room. After that event was over, the session coordinator – a colleague and friend – introduced me to the author. I said I was pleased to meet him and enjoyed his presentation. “Glad you could make it,” he replied, with a wry grin.

2. As a member of the area literacy council, I tried to attend as many of the significant meetings as I could. The setting for this particular one was walking distance from my library office, but I’d been held up by some other situation or obligation and arrived after the meeting had begun. On this occasion, I figured to “slip” in through the side door and discreetly find a seat in the rear. As luck would have it, the hostess (and coordinator of that event) was standing in the back of the room right next to the door I entered. She eyed me and whispered, “Nice of you to be here.”

Unusual or Unexpected

Today’s topic also asks whether we’ve ever had a personal compliment that was unusual or unexpected. The UNUSUAL one was when I was having new tires installed on our 1972 VW Bus. I was allowed to remain in the shop while the man worked on my vehicle. The shop’s service manager entered, walked around the vehicle (up on its lift), and then approached me where I was standing. “Are you the owner?” he asked. I nodded. Then the manager said, “You’ve kept those wheels very clean.”

Now, folks, I can’t completely explain it, but that simple remark truly buoyed my spirits. It’s not like I was granted a Vehicular Knighthood or anything, but his compliment reached deep somewhere inside me that was not often touched. Obviously made an impact, since I still remember it 50 years later.

That was the unusual compliment… here’s the UNEXPECTED one. I was one of several married students in grad school and my wife was known by many of my fellow students, including the lady I’m about to mention. [So this was NOT a solicitation.] Anyway, I was standing in front of the wall-mounted cubby-holes where we kept our instant coffee supplies and peanut butter sandwiches (and received the occasional message). This lady approached, stood next to me, and gazed intently… then said, “Do you have a brother?” Her question, out of the blue, caught me by surprise, and I took it literally. “Yes,” I replied, “older brother.” And I added which state he currently lived in. “Why?” Then, just as earnestly – and, I thought, as innocently as she could say it – she replied, “Why can’t I find anybody like you?”

You can possibly imagine my surprise… and how I must have stammered. I was genuinely honored / pleased that she evidently found in me the qualities she sought for a mate. But I was equally off-balance at how to RESPOND. I no longer recall what I replied to her, but I’m sure it was awkwardly phrased — because the situation was also a bit embarrassing.

Question:

Have you ever had an unusual or unexpected compliment:

[JLS # 692]